braelynnsmommy

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:07:59 GMT

i got a job. i got a job. i got a job, heyheyhey.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 05:45:14 GMT

i feel like i need to update you all

so i dont want me and braelynn to stay here any longer than we have to
but i dont want to move out and be in the situation that i was in with JJ

so if i get this job that caity is looking into for me, i hope that elwood will call me back for the CAT job that was a part time job.
i think that if i have those 2 jobs i will be financially able to move out into a 2 bedroom for me and braelynn.

but hey i never have good luck so who knows what's gonna happen with that

next week i start my 3rd term classes which are College Algebra and Psychology.
I'm super stoked for these classes because this will be my 3rd time taking Algebra an [1st in high school 2nd was when i was at ivy tech] so it'll be an easy A or B
and i absolutely love studying the mind so Psychology will not be a breeze but will be super fun

that's about all for now

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 04:58:31 GMT

my life isnt that bad but hey. i feel like complaining. so i keep just half assing my classes this term and one grade is 90 something and the other is 60 something. whats funny is i got dean's list honor's last term and now i just dont care. i dont know why its not like i do anything.

so from now on on friday nights i cant go anywhere unless i do discussion questions or projects. then i have to do the other on sunday night. oh and replies on monday or tuesaday. those can be moved around.
and you cant let me procrastinate or talk myself out it off. i have to do that before i do anything.

k? thx. lol

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 01:17:36 GMT

ok this is going to be a jumble of things that might not make sense but i'm fucking tired.
ok the small one.
jj is talking to another girl. who has a kid. ok that's all great. but he "called in sick" today to see braelynn.
and i swear to god if he saw her or her kid today instead of his own damn flesh n blood i will be thoroughly pissed.
ok the second one. not small.
my parents are becoming bitter old people.
i don't ask much of them i dont think. i pay for braelynn's stuff on my own. if they buy her something it's of their own free will.
but lately they seem like i ask everything of them. like when i go out at night it's when they are home and have no other plans.
and braelynn is asleep. but today when i asked my mom about tonight, she threw this big fit. spewin bullshit.
but i'm not stupid i know what she meant. she (and my dad apparently, he's the one who sparked all this) is tired of me leaving "every night". when i do go out it's usually next door. woohoo. i am a wild child.
she is asleep for christs sake. it's not like they have to fucking do anything.
and today, my brother goes and drops off my mom at work so he can use the truck. well he then comes back with McD's.
for my dad.
that's it.
yea. my mom gave him money prolly said to get food for him and dad and that's it.
wanna know why. because before she had to be at work she went and picked my dad up from his work and when she did that she asked me to get pork chops out of the freezer. and i forgot.
i am so tired of this. so if anyone knows of somewhere hiring from like 7pm till whenever, let me know.
i am fucking tired.

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 04:39:18 GMT

so i had THE best dream ever the other night.
i had a dream that me and an ex got back together but, it was a hybrid of JJ and Bryan.
so it was like the best of both worlds.
this sucks. this is the longest i've ever been single or have gone without "talking" to a guy.
and it's not like i see any running my way.
buh.
i miss being in a relationship and being that kind of happy.
i want that back.
i want something to look forward to when i wake up besides having to take care of my child by myself.
i mean don't get me wrong i love that lil girl with all my heart and soul.
but sometimes i need a break and i wish that break was a guy.
maybe if i lived on my own with her and went out more often or something.
i'm trying to be happy with my life right now i am, but for some reason i am so unhappy.
idk. i'm done i guess.
this was pointless. i think i've bitched about this before.
sorry.

Thu, 14 May 2009 05:29:50 GMT

So today was my first seminar, it's where you do a live chat with your teaher and the kids who are taking the course with you.
it's pretty much like class but online.
[btw for those of you who don't know, i'm going back to school online]
neways back on track.
i had a blast at my first class. just about all the other students in my class are parents. the teacher ws very personal and talked to you and not jsut at the class.
i had to go to walmart and buy a planner so i can keep track of homework and what not.
i'm so excited i've atually started humming again.
i used to do random little girl humming when i was truely happy with myself. and tonight walking out of walmart i caught myself humming. and i just smiled. who knew that just going back to school would make me this happy.
no boy or material object could me feel what i am feeling right now.
now i do still ache for that attention that a boy could offer but with braelynn, babysitting, friends, and now school i don't have that much time to worry about it.

bu this happiness won't last long. that lonliness void will sneak it's dirty head up sooner or later, but until then i'm going to bask in this happiness.

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 22:31:22 GMT

is so sick of this.
when i ask for a meezly 20-25 bucks i get sighed and huffed n puffed at.

but when baby boy asks for oh say a hundred bucks, he gets a "ok sweety".

wtf. why do they hate me so much. my life isnt as fucked up as his.
i mean yea i'm a whore cause i had a baby with my boyfriend.

but i dont have a felony on my record,
i never had problems with the cops.

poor pitiful baby boy.

fuck off.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 19:14:17 GMT

ok so i've been thinking
i REALLY want to go back to school
so once i have a running vehicle i'm going to look into goin back to school.
i just miss learning things and what not.

plus i want to make it atleast look like i'm trying to better myself.

hey and it'll get me outta the house and i can meet new people. i dont look as good as i did when i used to go but i dont care you either hate me or love me and i dont mind either way cause i'll be there for an education first and foremost.

any input?

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 17:39:51 GMT

hmmm.
where do i go from here?
do i try and fix the creaky bridge or just let it fall apart?
i can't fix it alone but i dont see any help.

i'd be devisated if i just let it crumble, but how i am i suppose to fix it if the other side doesnt want it fixed?

the month of april has gone to shit.

fffffuuuuuccckkkk mmmmeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 15:50:44 GMT

ha ha. he is single yet again.
maybe he should take my advice and grow up.
maybe that will help.
i mean this girl was suppose to be like the one.
but yet they arent together now?
and it's his fault.
when will he learn.
i thought maybe because of recent event between them he wouldve learned.
but nope.

his life is going to continue to fail if he doesnt do something about it.

i wish i could tell him all this but he wont listen.
he'll consider it bitching or butting into his life.
but really i'm just tryng to help him.

Braelynn

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 05:49:42 GMT

is getting so stir crazy in this house, she laid on the kitchen floor while i was baking cookies and just started talking to the ceiling.

well once the cookies were done i went and sat down in the living room. well we have this rug that sits in front of our kitchen that she likes to sit on. well she just sat there and watched her Uncle Tommy (he was lookin for something to snack on) and she started doing this twirling thing with her arms while she was sitting.

The poor kid the rest of the night you could swear she was high or found catnip or something lol.

she needs to start hanging out with kids her age.

even though i'm against it but maybe once i get a job i'll put her in day care.
or pay nikki to watch her.

but i thought i should share some good things with you guys instead of just bitching, moaning, and complaining. lol

i know you dont care anymore

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 06:06:26 GMT

but its my blog and i feel like writing it down. it makes me feel better.
so today(valentines) would've been mine and jj's 2 years.
so needless to say i wanted the day to go by fast.
well then i find out that he went and got himself a girlfriend.
wtf? no respect or heart at all.
fine.
i'll be a heartless cold bitch to him.
no more bein nice and offering him food when he's here while me n braelynn eat lunch.
no more leniency on him being late or not being able to priorities.
fuck it.
he doesnt care that much about my life or schedule, why should i care enough about his to work around him.
i hope he dies soon. it'll make everything so much easier. and it's not like he's needed. i mean the ass doesnt even pay child support. and would rather hang out with girls that his own daughter. which he didnt come see today by the way cause he said he couldnt make it.
but tristan is at his house drunk?
fuckin worthless piece of shit.
i REALLY hope he dies soon. aleviate this burden.

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 20:17:12 GMT

stupid fucking mother fucker.

he doesnt deserve to be her father.
ya i'm gonna get mad when you want braelynn on a romantic holiday and plan on spending the whole weekend with a girl.
and i dont care if you say you are gonna have yur full attention on her(braelynn) it's valentines i know you yur gonna wanna make her(the girl) feel special.
just like every other girl you meet.

i can't believe you don't wanna make her your valentine on her first valentines.

no you act like just another worthles boy. you find a cute girl and ask her.
god i hate you.

you irritate me to the core and it makes me laugh when you tell me i'm annoying or that i'm bein a bitch for no reason.
i'm a mom it's my job to put her before everything else. who else is? certainly not you.

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:55:53 GMT

i think i want him back cause i'm just desperate for a companion.

i miss that happiness that comes with a relationship.

i miss kissing someone everyday.
i miss waking up in the middle of the night with someones arm around me.
i can't wait to move out and turn 21.
cause then i can go to the bars and just out and find someone.

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:05:29 GMT

he has a girlfriend.
she's ugly.
for some reason i didnt get nor am now upset.
i dont know why.
maybe it's cause i had an awesome new years and realized i have friends and people who care about me.
so thats all i need. i dont need a boy to make me happy.
they never did anyways lol.
go new year!

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 00:03:16 GMT

i'm waiting for a change.
when will it come?
what will it be?
i hope its a boy.
they make everything better.
but sadly they make everything worse in the end.

i'm in a rut. i need help out. i never have energy. i dont do anything anymore.
i'm now only allowed to use the truck once a week so that even cuts down more on my availabilty to have fun.
go me. gah i hope i get this job.

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 21:52:51 GMT

it feels like since i've been dealing with family stuff and whatnot, i've been mia from my friends.
it seems my life stopped and no one elses did. lol
i wish i could've been there for all those fun things i see in the pictures.
i wish i could be around just so people remember i'm still alive.
this is starting to sound like and obituary or suicide note lol.
it's neither i promise.

i just wish someone would've asked once how i was doing?
cause you know i did make an effort to talk to you guys and to see ya.
but no one returned the favor.

because actually sunday, the day of the funeral, i had one of the worst day imaginable.
and no one knows about it.
and i'm not gonna put it on here so you feel better about yourself an know.
if you wanna know you can ask. otherwise stay in the dark.

there's also something else i havent told you and dont know if i want to.
this isnt a ploy for sympathy or whatnot, that ship sailed over the weekend.
this is just an fyi on how i feel.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 06:00:51 GMT

i always get on here hoping someone has posted something new so i can get a glimpse into their lives because mine is so boring and uninteresting. i mean my daughter is the only interesting thing about my life that happens day to day.
like today she held onto my hand with both of hers and she walked across the kitchen with me.
now isnt that awesome?
nothing that accomplishing ever happens in my life. good thing i have her around lol.
but seriously i do love her and are thankful for her.
but (and i know i complain about this all the time so caity stop reading right about NOW)
i want something more. at least 1 guy to hit on me so i know im still atractive. and no friday doesnt count it was all drunk people.

and yes i know i dont need a guy to be happy or to define who i am but hell it helps to get through the days and to feel better about myself if someone would hit on me. lol

well im done i know everyone is tired of hearing about this.

i might even delete it after posting and rereading it, who knows.

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 03:08:54 GMT

i'm worried he doesnt like me that way anymore.
god i'm useless.

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:17:07 GMT

ok so i have a fun new guy. well actually he's a fun old guy. lol see we didnt work out the first time cause i was obsessed with bryan and i only saw us as friends. but now because of a forwarded text i sent him, we're talkin again. And when he comes back to greenfield (he's in college at purdue) he's gonna take me and braelynn out to eat. :)
so see jj isnt the only one who has old friends who are still interested. HA! lol

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 01:03:53 GMT

you know this time i'm gonna be the bigger person and not say anything stupid on myspace. im just gonna laugh it off cause he will never grow up. he will never face reality or the truth. he will never take responsibilty for his actions. and you know what i dont need that. and braelynn doesnt need it. so i'm gonna move on and find someone who can take care of us and is an adult and is mature. cause that's what we deserve.
bu the main thing is that we dont NEED someone. like he does.

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 16:01:28 GMT

i hate him so much.i deleted him from mine and braelynns myspaces. we dont need him.
especially if he's having girls stay the night at his house.
pregnant ones at that.
he can go ahve a family with her and her kid.
he's nothing but a burdon on her development since he doesnt know how to grow up as is.
ihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimilovehimihatehimihatehimihatehim

he's done me worse than bryan did.
he's a failure at life and doesnt know it.
he IS just like his father cause he's left his family so he didnt have to grow up.
and it doesnt faze him at all. he's ok with not seeing her everyday. not being involved in her life.
but hey its no different than when he did live here.
GOD FUCK HIM!!!! why do i care so much about this. why am i so pissed about him talkin to another girl. he could give 2 shits less if i found another guy. oh yea it's cause he doesnt love me anymore or care about me. and i still care about him. fuckerfuckerfucker.
ok i'm done. sorry.

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 16:11:35 GMT

i know i bithced about him. but thats just venting about things that i dont like. but it's not like i dont love him and want to be with him. can't anything convince him that we we're meant to be together. he wont talk to me cause he says he's not ready to talk. i think there's soemthing else that he hasnt told me and thats why he keeps putting off this talk. i dont want o be just friends. i want us to be a family. i want us all to live together and be happy. won't anyone help me.. i've cried for 3 days straight. i'm having a nervous break down each day. and me being upset makes braelynn upset. i even made my mom call in to her day job yesterday just so i didnt have to be alone.

i just want to die. no joke. but braelynn needs me. that's the only thing holding me back.

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 04:36:15 GMT

ok so i thought that i wanted him back [jj] so we're working things out, again, for the 2nd retry.
but it seems like i'm the only one whos trying. like he thinks he doesnt have anything to change or say or whatever.
he's back to being comfortable and being an asshole. i want something new. for sure. but how come everytime i get the chance to leave i don't want him go?
i hate it when i look at braelynn and miss him.
i hate that if we do end it i'll be another statistical single mother.
i hate that i never lost my baby wieght.
i hate that i hate myself.
i used to be confident about my appearance.
i used to smile when i left the mirror after getting ready, now it's just "my hair looks decent, my clothes are clean, and my make-up is ok. i guess lets get through this day"
i need motivation to get off my ass and lose this weight.
i have a stroller, i can walk, i just choose not to. i just sit around all day, always tired.
me nor my mom can figure out why.
but everyday i'm tired, all the time. even if i get 8 hrs of sleep or more i still have to drag myself outta bed cause braelynns up. and i'm tired the whole day and never wanna do anything.
unless i need to go somewhere or someone asks to hangout. then i get up at a certain time and are ready by the time i have to leave and arent tired at all that day until i get home and sit down.

i need to get myself on a schedule or something.

i need to get my anitdepressants filled also. but jj nor my mom have the money to get them filled, so i havent had birth control or antidepressants in about 2-3 weeks. go me.
it'll be my luck if i get pregnant again.
ha i probably jinxed myself.

god someone help me.

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:47:07 GMT

so i'm going to update you on the whole me n jj thing, but you have to promise not to judge and if you do dont tell me what you think. if you have anything else to say then go right ahead.
ok so me n jj had our talk on sunday and we decided that we are going to start over. From the very beginnings of a relationship. cause we realized went way too fast the first time. So we're kinda hoping that if we take this slower and get used to everything and talk things out instead of fighting, it'll get alot better.
So it's like we're pressing the redo button.

It seem to be working so far.

oh and the reason we're doing it is so if we work out then we're meant to be. If we don't we can say we atleast tried.