i got a job. i got a job. i got a job, heyheyhey.

i feel like i need to update you all

so i dont want me and braelynn to stay here any longer than we have to
but i dont want to move out and be in the situation that i was in with JJ

so if i get this job that caity is looking into for me, i hope that elwood will call me back for the CAT job that was a part time job.
i think that if i have those 2 jobs i will be financially able to move out into a 2 bedroom for me and braelynn.

but hey i never have good luck so who knows what's gonna happen with that

next week i start my 3rd term classes which are College Algebra and Psychology.
I'm super stoked for these classes because this will be my 3rd time taking Algebra an [1st in high school 2nd was when i was at ivy tech] so it'll be an easy A or B
and i absolutely love studying the mind so Psychology will not be a breeze but will be super fun

that's about all for now

my life isnt that bad but hey. i feel like complaining. so i keep just half assing my classes this term and one grade is 90 something and the other is 60 something. whats funny is i got dean's list honor's last term and now  i just dont care. i dont know why its not like i do anything.

so from now on on friday nights i cant go anywhere unless i do discussion questions or projects. then i have to do the other on sunday night. oh and replies on monday or tuesaday. those can be moved around.
and you cant let me procrastinate or talk myself out it off. i have to do that before i do anything.

k? thx. lol

ok this is going to be a jumble of things that might not make sense but i'm fucking tired.
ok the small one.
jj is talking to another girl. who has a kid. ok that's all great. but he "called in sick" today to see braelynn.
and i swear to god if he saw her or her kid today instead of his own damn flesh n blood i will be thoroughly pissed.
ok the second one. not small.
my parents are becoming bitter old people.
i don't ask much of them i dont think. i pay for braelynn's stuff on my own. if they buy her something it's of their own free will.
but lately they seem like i ask everything of them. like when i go out at night it's when they are home and have no other plans.
and braelynn is asleep. but today when i asked my mom about tonight, she threw this big fit. spewin bullshit.
but i'm not stupid i know what she meant. she (and my dad apparently, he's the one who sparked all this) is tired of me leaving "every night". when i do go out it's usually next door. woohoo. i am a wild child.
she is asleep for christs sake. it's not like they have to fucking do anything.
and today, my brother goes and drops off my mom at work so he can use the truck. well he then comes back with McD's.
for my dad.
that's it.
yea. my mom gave him money prolly said to get food for him and dad and that's it.
wanna know why. because before she had to be at work she went and picked my dad up from his work and when she did that she asked me to get pork chops out of the freezer. and i forgot.
i am so tired of this. so if anyone knows of somewhere hiring from like 7pm till whenever, let me know.
i am fucking tired.

so i had THE best dream ever the other night.
i had a dream that me and an ex got back together but, it was a hybrid of JJ and Bryan.
so it was like the best of both worlds.
this sucks. this is the longest i've ever been single or have gone without "talking" to a guy.
and it's not like i see any running my way.
buh.
i miss being in a relationship and being that kind of happy.
i want that back.
i want something to look forward to when i wake up besides having to take care of my child by myself.
i mean don't get me wrong i love that lil girl with all my heart and soul.
but sometimes i need a break and i wish that break was a guy.
maybe if i lived on my own with her and went out more often or something.
i'm trying to be happy with my life right now i am, but for some reason i am so unhappy.
idk. i'm done i guess.
this was pointless. i think i've bitched about this before.
sorry.

So today was my first seminar, it's where you do a live chat with your teaher and the kids who are taking the course with you.
it's pretty much like class but online.
[btw for those of you who don't know, i'm going back to school online]
neways back on track.
i had a blast at my first class. just about all the other students in my class are parents. the teacher ws very personal and talked to you and not jsut at the class.
i had to go to walmart and buy a planner so i can keep track of homework and what not.
i'm so excited i've atually started humming again.
i used to do random little girl humming when i was truely happy with myself. and tonight walking out of walmart i caught myself humming. and i just smiled. who knew that just going back to school would make me this happy.
no boy or material object could me feel what i am feeling right now.
now i do still ache for that attention that a boy could offer but with braelynn, babysitting, friends, and now school i don't have that much time to worry about it.

bu this happiness won't last long. that lonliness void will sneak it's dirty head up sooner or later, but until then i'm going to bask in this happiness.

is so sick of this.
when i ask for a meezly 20-25 bucks i get sighed and huffed n puffed at.

but when baby boy asks for oh say a hundred bucks, he gets a "ok sweety".

wtf. why do they hate me so much. my life isnt as fucked up as his.
i mean yea i'm a whore cause i had a baby with my boyfriend.

but i dont have a felony on my record,
i never had problems with the cops.

poor pitiful baby boy.

fuck off.

ok so i've been thinking
i REALLY want to go back to school
so once i have a running vehicle i'm going to look into goin back to school.
i just miss learning things and what not.

plus i want to make it atleast look like i'm trying to better myself.

hey  and it'll get me outta the house and i can meet new people. i dont look as good as i did when i used to go but i dont care you either hate me or love me and i dont mind either way cause i'll be there for an education first and foremost.

any  input?

hmmm.
where do i go from here?
do i try and fix the creaky bridge or just let it fall apart?
i can't fix it alone but i dont see any help.

i'd be devisated if i just let it crumble, but how i am i suppose to fix it if the other side doesnt want it fixed?

the month of april has gone to shit.


fffffuuuuuccckkkk mmmmeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

ha ha. he is single yet again.
maybe he should take my advice and grow up.
maybe that will help.
i mean this girl was suppose to be like the one.
but yet they arent together now?
and it's his fault.
when will he learn.
i thought maybe because of recent event between them he wouldve learned.
but nope.

his life is going to continue to fail if he doesnt do something about it.

i wish i could tell him all this but he wont listen.
he'll consider it bitching or butting into his life.
but really i'm just tryng to help him.